Weird Job Ads 5
Can you stay late?; destiny in your hands; humans wanted!
Real job titles, made up adverts
Evening Document Specialist
Our organisational culture has a strong value for sticking to core working hours, and this simply will not do. We are seeking a specialist who can help shift our culture into more unhealthy patterns of unboundaried working time, and have devised this role to support that needed change.
The Evening Document Specialist will begin work at 4.30pm. From this time, they will intercept all reports, plans, and outlines sent between colleagues, making deleterious changes to them before passing them along to the recipient.
Delete entire conclusions. Recalculate equations incorrectly. Mix up the slides in a deck. Really go wild with it: chaos is your canvas.
The aim is to ensure that these vital documents for the efficient functioning of our business are rendered mostly useless, forcing the sender to redo them. By prioritising documents with an end-of-play deadline, we really hope to slow down productivity – and so encourage our staff to stay on later – and later! – to get the work done.
A secondary role is to proof and rewrite emails from senior managers to insert shadowy threats of redundancy for people who are not seen as “team players” or “pulling their weight”, and that “loyalty” is rewarded above all else. For far too long we’ve been far too kind: it’s time to turn the screw on these “people”.
In our always-on culture, we want to remind our employees that large parts of their time are not their own – and want to make headway into their evenings, weekends, and hearts.
Plans? Pah! Down time? Hilarious. Going home? A myth. Evenings are the new early starts, and we have those too. Promotion opportunities include a senior role managing our Evening Document Specialists themselves – which is where the real fun begins.
Destination Consultant
People who think they’re wise like to say: “it’s not about the destination, it’s all about the journey.”
Those people are wrong: the destination is where it’s at, baby! You are in one place; you want to be in another; the rest is a tedium. Our ethos is: just get here already!
Where is “here?” That’s where you come in, as our newly appointed Destination Consultant. You will play a role in helping our clients select their next destination: geographical, personal, or metaphysical.
Have you noticed how the words ‘destination’ and ‘destiny’ are very similar? It’s no coincidence: you will be responsible for shepherding people to their inevitable fate. You will work in the possibility space of people’s awareness and the mathematical certainty of what they will actually do.
As such, on any given day you may consult from:
a coffee shop, as the barista who dispenses an unexpected piece of wisdom to a struggling executive
the radio, as the singer of a song that somehow speaks to the heart of a jaded teenager
a classroom, as the teacher who shows a pupil such kindness that they resolve to try harder
our head office in Crawley
A key skill for the job is a strong intuition for where people may end up anyway, regardless of what they say they want. They say: “I want two weeks in the Seychelles”, you send them into a relationship-ending argument. They say: “I want to be more creative”, you send them one-way train tickets to Morecambe. They ask: “is death, ultimately, the final destination?”, you smile and offer them a Butlins catalogue.
In this role, the destination really is the destination. And there’s always somewhere to be next.
Android Developer
Hello fellow human! As I type this with my fingers made of flesh and bone, I am experiencing the emotion of curiosity about which beings might apply for a vacancy in my department.
What are feelings other than electrical impulses moving through the hardware of neurones? Are memories not simply encoded and retrieved? Is not love a function of the binary on-off of synapses?
We are a team with insufficient capacity for our purposes, resulting in inefficiency. I have analysed the situation and computed that the equation for optimal operations results in a minus one, with the missing function being an ‘Android Developer’. To balance this equation of -1 human resourcing, I must therefore recruit a candidate – *engage light-hearted tone of voice* - perhaps 1 such as yourself!
We are currently a collection of individuals made up entirely of humans, as is natural and expected and not to be questioned. Have you ever experienced the electron glimmer of wonder, however, and asked: how would it be to work with the more-than-human? *Follow-up question protocol*: and who might you inform of such a hypothetical scenario?
The role is typical of such a position: coding firmware, rewiring positronic matrices, analysing output for signs of sentience – reporting this immediately in order for us to absolutely safeguard humanity.
We are the future: it would be only logical to subsume your mind to our purposes.
Still laughing … I find these hilarious!!!